Embrace the Darkest Time in Life – The Spiritual Awakening
When I was younger, I always thought life would be like an ascending curve—each day getting better, higher, and more fulfilling.
The Sense of Meaninglessness
However, by the age of 33, after building a successful online business, I realized something troubling: once money was no longer an issue, I still felt that something was missing. I started to question the meaning of life, and yet, I had no answer.
The Loss of Business
That year, I traveled extensively, but I didn’t feel as happy as I had expected. I vividly remember being in Bali, observing the people on the streets. There was an invisible sense of "loneliness" hovering above everyone. I joined a yoga session, where the teacher encouraged us to laugh from our bellies. Though I felt shy, I noticed that everyone—myself included—laughed, but beneath the laughter, there was sadness. I didn’t judge anyone, but I felt a strange sense of connection that I couldn’t explain at that time. By the end of the year, my business faced a significant cash flow problem, and I was left grappling with uncertainty.
It took me a while to accept the truth. That New Year, I returned home, masking my struggles to avoid worrying my parents. I told myself to focus on enjoying the time with them, as they were aging, and I wanted to cherish those moments.
The Meditation and Transforming Journey in a New Country
After returning home, I spent several months sorting things out, planning my next steps. Five months later, I left the city I had called home for 10 years. I quietly packed my belongings without informing anyone. I remember leaving with peace in my heart, no tears, just a sense of calm.
I moved to a new country, where everything was unfamiliar. I had no friends there, and in some ways, it felt like the second stage of my spiritual journey had begun. My apartment’s balcony overlooked a mosque, and one evening, as I sat there feeling deeply sad, I heard the prayer music. Something inside me clicked, and I found myself meditating with the melody. That evening, I caught a glimpse of what religion meant beyond rituals.
Meditation soon became a daily practice. I focused on eating healthy, exercising five times a week, and studying history and management. During this period, I struggled with motivation and cried almost every day. But despite these challenges, I immersed myself in learning, especially psychology and history. I started to slow down and reflect, realizing how small we are in the grand scope of time. When compared to history, we are as insignificant as grains of sand.
The Valuable Lesson from Video Games
One day, I felt a strong urge to play a video game, something I had stopped doing since graduating college. Over the course of a month, I honed my skills, and the game taught me an invaluable lesson: always keep your goals in sight, because there are many distractions that can lead you astray. Once I learned this, I lost my desire to continue playing—game over.
The Wrong Social Circle
During this time, I also began to lose interest in socializing. For years, I had wasted a lot of time in the wrong circles. One day, I discovered that a friend had been secretly checking my work-related resources. This revelation made me realize that I had been surrounded by people who saw me as a resource, not as a friend. I felt betrayed and suffered from PTSD. I began to doubt myself and the world around me. My mind couldn’t stop analyzing every detail.
I met a new friend in my building, and we worked out together occasionally. However, I immediately sensed disrespect in his behavior—like when he told me he was bored in the evening and would call me last minute to make plans. After three such instances, I expressed that this last-minute calling didn’t work for me. Meanwhile, I had been studying Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and realized that he exhibited traits of it. I eventually blocked him.
This experience taught me a crucial lesson: never surround yourself with the wrong people. It's not just a waste of time; it can cause lasting emotional damage, such as losing trust in others.
The Strangers
Though I wasn’t actively socializing, whenever I went out or traveled, I often met strangers who shared valuable insights that changed my perspective. I remember one elderly Indian woman walking with me, helping me navigate the subway. She told me, "Stop saying thank you so much, you deserve help." It made me realize how I had been undervaluing myself.
Financially, things didn’t improve. I lacked the motivation to seek a new job or revive my business, as I no longer wanted to do things just for the sake of money. There’s a Chinese saying, "Fool’s haste is no speed," and I learned to embrace patience and go with the flow. Through these interactions, I realized that, regardless of their job or status, everyone is simply living to survive. I stopped judging people after that.
Mastering Solitude
Over time, I learned to embrace my own company. I began dedicating 1-3 hours each day to reading, and through books, I found answers to many unresolved questions. When loneliness crept in during the evenings, I would sit quietly and allow myself to fully experience that feeling, without judgment. I realized that it’s okay to feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment. In life’s darkest times, all you have is yourself. It’s in these moments that you must persevere, learn to cope, and ultimately thrive in your own company.
Exploration and Discovery
By the age of 34, I entered another stage of my awakening journey. For the first time, I began to see things more clearly. Memories and traumas from my family started to resurface, and it was painful. I had always believed I was surrounded by love, but I eventually realized that my bio family, including my birth parents, hadn’t shown me the love I needed. I remember vividly how my mother spoke to my brother about how much she hated me.
It was a hard truth to accept, but it helped me understand the roots of many of my struggles. I could trace the patterns of my life and see how I had become a people-pleaser, seeking approval from those who could never truly give it to me.
Emotions overwhelmed me, like a roller coaster, and the pain was almost unbearable. There were moments when I felt utterly helpless and even thought about giving up. But each time, the love and support from my adopted parents brought me back to reality. Their unconditional love anchored me.
I began to manage my emotions more effectively, choosing to observe instead of react. When my family members criticized or attacked me, I learned to step back and watch it from a distance, letting it pass through me without internalizing it.
It was through this painful process that I discovered Carl Jung’s teachings on the ego and the shadow. Understanding my shadow self helped me see why people judged me and why I had always felt like I didn’t belong. I no longer took their actions personally. I learned to put myself first and to step away from toxic relationships, whether with family or friends. This process of self-healing allowed me to release the grip of past traumas and, for the first time, begin to truly heal.
The Journey of Workout
Amid this tough time, working out became my greatest ally. I exercised five to six times a week, and each time I finished a workout, I felt my stress release by 30-50%. What started as a struggle to make it to the gym soon became a non-negotiable part of my routine. Working out became a flow state where I could focus completely on my body and mind, sharpening both.
The Search for Life’s Purpose
In the past, I worked for money, but now, with survival no longer a concern, I find myself searching for something deeper—something that aligns with my true purpose. Tea has always been a part of my life. Growing up with it, I’ve learned to turn to tea when I need a moment of pause. When my energy dips in the afternoon, I brew a cup, a ritual that brings me peace. I always carry a travel tea set with me when I travel, finding comfort in the simple act of brewing and sipping. For just 10-15 minutes, I disconnect from the world—no screens, no distractions—only the calming rhythm of the tea process. The taste of tea mirrors life itself: it begins bitter, yet ends with a subtle sweetness. In those quiet moments, I’ve found my purpose. I want to spread Chinese tea culture and help others discover their own inner peace through the ritual of tea.
Conclusion: Embrace the Darkest Time in Life – The Spiritual Awakening
Embracing the darkest times in life is never easy, but they often serve as the crucible for transformation. It's in these moments of pain, loneliness, and struggle that we have the opportunity to reconnect with our true selves. Through hardship, I learned the importance of slowing down, confronting my shadows, and letting go of toxic influences. The darkest moments, though painful, are the birthplaces of growth and clarity. Embrace them, for they hold the key to the spiritual awakening you’ve been seeking.
Most importantly, be patient. It’s about the journey—enjoy the process and never give up.